June 18, 2012

On a Letter from a Reader [in prison].

The summer between my junior and senior year of college I interned at a magazine that was sent weekly to readers and churches all over the country. (I've compiled a list of links to writing I've done elsewhere, if you're interested.) 

This publication was also sent to prisons, giving it a large demographic of incarcerated readers.

Since magazines are written, designed, compiled, edited and completed months before they are actually mailed out, most of the stuff I worked on didn't get into the hands of readers until after my internship was completed. A few months after I was gone, I received an email from one of editors at the magazine with a letter addressed to me from a reader (unedited for grammar and spelling).

I'm putting it here for your reading enjoyment and so I can find it easily in the future (when I need a good laugh). I truly hope this man is still in prison (for my own safety) and not a frequent reader of Rainboots & Beef. (Emphasis placed by me on my favorite lines.)

"I am writing you as an 'inmate' not to be mistaken as a man from the Australian Queens land thats 'in' to things. That is the title I was given here when the statesmen of Panama City Florida imported me from my hermitude."

"I read your My Journey article and I find it fascinating that you would have your life at Evangel your life at Evangel to share with so many publications of public Evangel. I was lucky enough to receive the Sept. 13. 09 issue wherein I turned to page 20 and beheld the most refreshing portrayal of an Evean creature casting radiance through an overwhelming smile. The biblical book that lies before your image on page 20 is like the most enchanting experience I've befallen to myself."

"When I get to the top Satan will probably push me off like an hula hoop tycoon in the 30's. Luckily with the New Orleans insurance companys I will go strait through the safety net and enter heaven on my camel. I hope that my genie question isn't 'If you could take one thing to be stranded on a deserted island' and something like 'if you could be locked in a deserted cold war bunker what would you take' obviously it would be you and some grape cool-aid straight from the true purple vine."

"I'm not no snitch but I just seen my roommate stomp on a smiley face I drew for him in our confinement cell, don't tell nobody but I'm in prison ... well of physics only formally speaking.  "

"If you can look up some information for me, find out on Nasa's web site how far is it to the close 'black hole' and how much liquid oxygen and liquid hydrogen is selling for by the ton these days."

It's Kelly again...
I love getting letters from readers, but this is definitely my all-time favorite. (Please, try and top this!)

I think I'll go drink some purple kool-aid. I'm sure it will be a refreshing and most enchanting experience. 


  1. So. Freaking. Hilarious. Purple kool-aid...
    Don't you just feel loved, Kelly?

    1. Haha, definitely. See what you get to look forward to as a writer! :) Glad you found me...I haven't had a chance to check your blog out, but I will!!

    2. Increasing the excitement, all the way! XD Well, it's there, whenever you have the time! It won't be going anywhere XP