Inadequacy haunts me. I constantly move, but do I get anywhere? I often find myself feeling lost, floundering around, gasping for air, begging for attention. Stuck. Easily discontented. Tired of living my life in the continual pursuit of attention and fulfillment.
I know we all “fall short,” but it’s hard not to feel like I shouldn’t fail with such frequency when I know better.
Recently I sat pondering these things at church while everyone around me sang “Jesus Paid It All.” I truly believe that he did. But I couldn’t help but think that I hardly feel “white as snow.”
I get frustrated with myself, and I proceed to shut down. I resist letting anyone in because it hurts when I find myself failing. My selfishness is discouraging. Rather than boldly approaching Jesus, I hide because I feel unworthy.
I’m worried that my desire for his love and restoration is overshadowed by my fear of the pain that will come with his refining fire.
In the midst of my fear I hold onto his promises. I know he loves me, even when I don’t feel good enough. I know he is faithful to forgive me. And I trust that he is in control of the outcomes.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9